Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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