One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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