dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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