i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
