Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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