We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
