If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
