So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
