i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
not ubering you a puppy
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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