Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
