I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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