So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
