We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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