Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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