They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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