omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
