Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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