I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
