It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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