Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
