Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
