Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
