yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
