Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
