Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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