Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
