why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
