Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
