remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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