my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
