I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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