you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
