epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
