I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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