OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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