i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
