someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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