i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
