I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
