i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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