im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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