There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
