My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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