my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize