and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have fence marks all over my body
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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