I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
