I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
false alarm. still invincible.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
