At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need a beard to bite.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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