I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think im going to throw up on grandma
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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