I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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