im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
