The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
