Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
