Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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