I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i drank out of a bidet.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
