thus making me awesome and them whores
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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