Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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