I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
