That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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