ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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