the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
